I can stay up late tonight. I have tomorrow off from work. That leaves me with plenty of time to come up with a birthday list. I guess it's officially my birthday now that it's past midnight. Woo. 20 doesn't mean much. It's just a tease. Like Alex said, "Congratulations, you still can't drink." You should turn 18 then turn 21. I think the three year wait until you're 21 is better than having two birthdays between where you're just reminded that you're not 21. My mom's taking me to Cincinnati tomorrow to check out Urban Outfitters. I'm sure I'll be able to maybe buy a pant leg or the buttons off one of their really trendy shirts. But enough jabber, let's get down to this list. 20 things I want for my 20th birthday.

I want.....

1. The power to change the temperature. It was 96 degrees today. And now it's 85 degrees in the middle of the night. Damn.

2. To meet R. Kelly.

3. To buy R. Kelly's Stuck Inside the Closet DVD's: Ch. 1-5 (An Urban Opera).

4. To throw R. Kelly's Urban Opera DVD's at his groin while meeting him.

5. To then make him re-enact Chapters 1 and 2 while struggling to stand on a tight rope over a pit of hungry gators.

6. To then make him re-enact the sultry part in Chapter 5 where he sings "Oh my god, I'm about to climax!" with a big burly bearded caucasian man.

7. To then force him to join the traveling Kentucky state fair where he will operate the "I'm gonna piss on you" ride. It will be a shooting water ride (dyed yellow, of course) where manikins of R. Kelly in jail stripes will "pee" on the joyous riders. After each ride, the police will arrest him for molestation and overall suckiness. For his punishment, he will be forced to watch re-runs of Stuck Inside the Closet during the fair's off season.

8. A pony.

9. To meet Jessica Simpson. Punish her for saying "I think somethin just got caught in my under carriage," by dragging her away to watch R. Kelly's Urban Opera.

10. To own a Walker Texas Ranger lever.

11. To make Jared Fogle commercials stop.

12. To be able to be at work on time at least two times in one week.

13. To be rid of all money and go back to a society where we just traded oxes and mulls for flour and salted pork instead.

14. To star in and win a real game of Oregon Trail where people actually compete.

15. To have R. Kelly, not four oxes, pull my wagon across the gorge and have my wagon purposely too full of gun powder, blankets, rifles, salt and grain. Then have him die of cholera.

16. To capture Woodward and Bernstein and force them to agree with me when I find Jeanne Criswell and tell her who I really am- a 79 year old undercover FBI agent who refuses to age and used to be called, "Deep Throat."

17. To make Jeanne Criswell finally admit that she was the inspiration behind the little bespectacled chick who was Foghorn Leghorn's sidekick in his cartoon show.

18. To have endless amounts of guacamole and chips and dip at my beckon call.

19. To quit my job and not be taken off payroll.

20. To stab R. Kelly at the 2006 Vibe Awards, but not kill him, because then who would make ground breaking Urban Operas anymore?


That was an angry list.